Become Your Fursona

“So he’s possessed.”

I gave Arris a sharp look, over the crate that we’d set up the kettle on, and tried not to spill my mug of spiced tea as my hands began to shake. My ears flared out, and I could feel my tail bristle behind me.

“That’s not what he said.” Bree’s words were muffled by the thick, concrete walls. She was the only one willing to sit next to me; everyone else was on the other side of the crate. “He’s probably just as scared as we are … in his own way”, she added.

Read part three of Prized Possession.

“So he’s possessed.”

I gave Arris a sharp look, over the crate that we’d set up the kettle on, and tried not to spill my mug of spiced tea as my hands began to shake. My ears flared out, and I could feel my tail bristle behind me.

“That’s not what he said.” Bree’s words were muffled by the thick, concrete walls. She was the only one willing to sit next to me; everyone else was on the other side of the crate. “He’s probably just as scared as we are … in his own way”, she added.

I looked up at the tiny ground-level window, all but covered in bright snow, and at the open door to the other room, where I could hear people moving around making dinner. The researchers at Grace had been gracious, even though we’d shown up a day early, and they’d all been told not to ask questions about what had happened to me. I couldn’t help but notice their footsteps approaching the door every now and then, though, as if they were stopping to listen.

“I’m not sure what I’m missing here. He told us the cat leaped into him, and now he’s like this.” Arris gestured at me with his hands. “I wouldn’t put it past the Sentience to have the technology to do this, or to have something like this in place. They could upload their Geists onto one of those crystals of theirs-”

“Arris,” Bree warned him.

“-and then when he walks into the room, bam!” He clapped his bare hands together. “The snow leopard jumps into him and starts changing him into the original.”

“Arris, he’s still him. He hasn’t attacked us or anything.”

“But it didn’t come out, right? So that means it’s still inside him. What if we’d all gone in there? Would the rest of the statues have possessed us? And what about that disc with the jewel in it?”

I had already set my mug down and started typing feverishly, keeping my claws retracted so that I didn’t mar the A.T.’s screen. Now I pressed “Enter”, and it took them a moment to realize it was speaking.

“-have stopped. I’m not being changed anymore”, it said, in its robotic voice as they stopped talking over it and listened. “And I don’t feel anything inside of me. Maybe the snow leopard jumping into me was a hallucination, or a dream. And I didn’t think to go back for the disc.”

“How do we know?” Arris picked his mug back up, and gestured at me with his free hand. “For that matter, how do we know it’s not infectious?”

“I don’t know,” Bree shot back, “you’re the one who said he was possessed. Now you think Geists can multiply?”

“Wasn’t he already possessed?”

All heads turned towards Nalar, the friend-of-a-friend who’d been in front of me in the line. He was young and good-looking, and his gear was brightly-colored. “No, seriously,” he went on. “You already know he’s Hollow. He’s trapped inside his own head. That’s why he rocks back and forth when he thinks no one’s watching, and he has those seizures when you try to touch him.”

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything”, Arris said drolly.

“Well, it might’ve made him more susceptible. Like, he’s so far inside his head that this snow leopard demon can just waltz in. Listen, my preacher told me-”

I don’t know what was worse: That he was saying all of this in front of me, or that he didn’t even look in my direction as he was saying it. And as he talked, I remembered how he’d kept trying to shake my hand, or rough me up “playfully”, but had always insisted on talking to Bree or Arris instead even when I was standing right there. It was like he hadn’t been able to decide if I was normal like him, or was a non-person who didn’t exist, and wasn’t responsible for his own actions. He must have made up his mind.

“-and the Devil can make him do anything it wants!” Nalar went on. “You remember when Yeren healed the sick, he cast out the possessing spirits-”

My ears flattened. I typed furiously as they bickered, backspacing and rephrasing myself and trying to turn my growing anger into a cohesive argument, but after a minute of typing and re-typing and holding down backspace, I realized something that stopped me: Bree wasn’t challenging him. She was just sitting there quietly, listening.

Her words came back to me. “He’s probably just as scared as we are … in his own way.”

I wasn’t a person to her, either. I never had been.

For a moment, I wanted to throw my mug at Nalar. But now I had to fight to keep from dropping it and spilling my tea as I set it down on the crate. My ears and tail drooped as I tucked my A.T. under one arm, then stood up and slowly walked past everybody else, before looking back over my shoulder. These were the people I called friends?

I slammed the door on my way out, but nobody noticed. They were too busy arguing.

The person who’d been eavesdropping jumped as I walked past her.

* * *

I sat in the storage room amid our piles of gear, on top of my sleeping bag. My arms were wrapped around my legs, knees pressed up to my chin, and I rocked back and forth slowly, eyes closed.

I heard them talking outside the room. I could hear every word, even though I didn’t want to. They were planning to hike up the mountain before heading back, at the researchers’ recommendation. Apparently the view was great, and they thought it would make a rewarding end to our trip.

I didn’t hear them mention me. I guessed they’d decided to set the “problem” that I posed aside for now.

One by one, people came into the room to get their belongings. Some of them did it quietly; others dropped things or weren’t trying to be quiet. I did my best to tune out their footsteps and rustling noises.

I realized that I could smell them, each one, distinctly. I wondered who each scent belonged to, but I didn’t open my eyes to check. Instead I just sat there, still rocking, until the only scents in the room were mine, and cold concrete.

I don’t remember how long it took me to fall asleep.

* * *

I woke up a couple times when people came into the room to get things out of their packs, but just pretended to be asleep. Then I rolled over and dozed off again.

When I finally woke up for real, it was to the sound of sizzling, and the smell of fried, battered toast. It seemed unnaturally loud. And while I remembered that it had smelled savoury before, I just wrinkled my nose at it now.

As I did so, I brought my hand up to feel for my muzzle and sighed. It was still there.

The sizzling continued.

My eyelids were so heavy, and my muscles all felt sore. I just wanted to lay there … I didn’t want to get up. Didn’t want to feel my tail cramping beneath me, or my nose and whiskers twitching at the scent of hot grease. Didn’t want to feel uncomfortably warm in my fur.

But despite all these new parts I had to keep comfortable, it occurred to me that I wouldn’t have minded being crossed with a snow leopard, if it hadn’t been for the people around me. Getting pounced on had been a shock, and the change had been terrifying … I hadn’t known what was happening to me, or if my mind would still be intact. But it hadn’t been nearly as bad as spending that whole day in dreading what my friends would say when they saw me. And what I was least looking forward to, when I got back, was trying to explain to my disability counselor that I needed to eat meat to live now.

It was like being Hollow, that way … actually being different wasn’t so bad, sometimes. It was the fact that the world was designed for normals that made things so hard. Normals, and furless humans, who could eat plants and talk out loud and touch each other without cringing. Who could go their whole lives without knowing they were disabled, because they were like everyone else around them.

Until they suddenly had to jump over three metres of black, icy water.

I laid there a long time, my hands behind my head, looking up at the ceiling and thinking.

By the time I got up, the sizzling had stopped. I looked around at the researchers’ kitchen area, at the bright windows and wooden shelves and giant, empty skillets. And I looked down the steps at the door to the dining room, and heard people talking and laughing. Their conversations all blended together, but I could hear Bree, Arris, and Nalar amongst the other, unfamiliar voices.

Neither of them had bothered to wake me up. Even Bree, who’d stood up for me the most throughout the rest of this trip hadn’t said anything.

I stood there watching and listening, thinking about what it’d take to join them, and to actually feel like a part of their group. I’d have to be able to eat what they were having … I’d have to be able to speak. I’d have to be able to speak quickly, about things I had no interest in, and not lose my train of thought when I heard a loud noise or when someone bumped into me.

I’d have to be able to lie when someone asked for my honest opinion. I’d have to be able to tell when somebody didn’t want to talk about something, but wouldn’t say that they didn’t. I’d have to be able to see, and to hear, and perish the thought that I should be in a wheelchair, because I didn’t think they could go down most steps.

I’d have to be someone like them. But I wasn’t, and that was why they were in there eating and having fun, and I was standing back here in the kitchen feeling hungry.

My stomach growled. And for a long, painful moment, I felt desperate and lonely, and wished I could be in there with them …

… until I realized that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be around people who didn’t see me as a person, just because I looked and thought differently than they did. If that meant being alone right now, I was fine with that.

And if it meant finishing this trip alone, then I was fine with that too.

A feeling of calm settled over me as I turned and walked back to the storage room. A moment later, I returned to the kitchen with my pack.

I set it up on the counter and started pulling out handfuls of food packets. Dried fruit, foil-wrapped sweets, sealed pouches of vegetable stew. All of it went on the counter. I shoved it aside with one arm, and knocked a few packets off in the process.

After getting rid of all the inedible stuff, I opened up the researchers’ cabinets, and went through them looking for things I could eat. Tins of sardines, packets of jerky, cans of potted meat and sausage. I threw it all in my pack, until it was as full as before. Then I zipped it up, and went down to the storage room again.

A few minutes later I clomped back up the steps to the kitchen area where the door was, wearing my thick coat and boots and slinging my backpack over my shoulder. Someone else came in just as I did, but she didn’t say anything, and seemed to be trying to pretend that I wasn’t there as she got something out of the cabinet.

Her hair was blown back as I opened the door, and stepped out into the blinding light and snow.

* * *

“Karadur!”

I was already marching up the hillside when I heard Bree’s voice.

“Karadur, wait!”

I didn’t, of course. She went on anyway. “I wasn’t g-going to wake you up … we were l-letting you sleep in … ”

It sounded like she was shivering. I turned around and saw that she didn’t have her coat on, and her boots weren’t laced, either. I raised my eyebrows at her as she hugged herself, trying to stay warm.

“C-come back”, she said.

I shook my head at her, firmly.

“You’re just g-going up there by yourself?” she asked.

I nodded.

She stood there a moment, shivering, before she said. “I’m coming with you, then. Wait for me.”

I flattened my ears at her.

“Okay?”

I sighed, and then nodded, rolling my eyes at her after she’d turned to go back inside. My tail bristled and twitched.

In retrospect, that was really heartless of me. But it’d taken me a lot of energy to decide that I had to do this. I was annoyed that she’d second-guessed me. And I was also annoyed that she’d had to remind me that some normals cared about me …

“ … in their own way”, I thought, and gritted my teeth.

I stood there at least ten minutes, waiting for her. A couple of people stepped around the corner of the building, shielding their eyes to look up at me. I just looked away, and started pacing in small circles.

Finally Bree came back out, wearing her coat and backpack and carrying a paper bag. “You forgot your food,” she said, but I’d already cut her off by shaking my head at her.

“You don’t want it?” she asked.

I shook my head again.

“But then what are you-”

As soon as she started the sentence I loosened the straps on my pack. Now I unshouldered it, and unzipped it quickly to dig out a can of meat, which I showed her for a split second before putting everything back like it was.

Bree sounded confused. “You don’t want this, then?”

For a moment, my breath caught with barely-suppressed anger. It wasn’t Bree’s fault; it was mine. It was hard enough for me to be decisive without people questioning me, who didn’t think or communicate the way I did.

I counted to three in my head, then let out my breath slowly before getting my A.T. from my pocket and tapping the buttons rapidly. “I am a carnivore now,” it said. “I can’t eat any of that. You can have it if you want.”

“Okay, then,” she said. I heard the paper bag crumpling up as it was folded and compressed, and I heard Bree shuffling about and unzipping her backpack, stuffing the bag of food inside before zipping it back up and shouldering it. “Let’s go.”

There was a spectacular view to my right, of the rocky shore and the sea and ice past it, but I didn’t turn to look. I just heard the waves crashing on rocks, as I marched up the foothills towards the mountain, looking straight ahead.

After awhile of walking uphill, though, I had to slow down, eventually stopping completely to catch my breath, leaning up against the rock wall farther up the mountain.

“Do you need any help with what you’re carrying?” Bree asked.

I sighed, and shook my head.

* * *

We broke a couple of times to eat. I can’t remember ever eating nothing but meat for lunch before, but it wasn’t cloying at all … just satisfying. I ate a lot, and barely even chewed. My new pointed teeth didn’t seem to want to grind things, anyway.

We ate our last meal that day around her portable stove, huddled as close as we thought we could get to it. It was finally starting to get dark out.

“No, we’re okay … ” Static came from Bree’s radio handset, followed by Arris’ muffled voice. I couldn’t make out the words, but Bree had it up to her face, and nodded at it. “I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. Karadur was rushing ahead, and I didn’t want to lose sight of him.”

Static.

“No, he’s fine. He just decided to get started early.”

More static.

“No, I don’t know why.”

The static went on for some time. Finally she said “Okay, then. We’ll wait up for you tomorrow”, and looked up at me.

“Do you feel better now that you’ve gotten away from them?” she asked.

“I haven’t gotten away from them … ” I thought, but I didn’t say anything.

I fidgeted, as she just looked at me for a long and uncomfortable moment. Then she finally looked away and said “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought you here. This is all my fault … ”

“As though you’re responsible for my actions”, I thought, irritated.

She sighed. “And it’s my fault you got possessed.”

I stood up, my tail bristling.

“Karadur, what’s wrong?” She sat there looking up at me as I waited for her to say something. To apologize. But she just sat there, waiting for a response, and I realized she didn’t know. She had no idea why that had upset me.

I got the A.T. out of my coat pocket and sat back down. Then I started typing on it. “I’m not possessed”, it told her.

“Okay, then,” she said. “Whatever you want to call it. I’m sorry it happened to you.”

I had already started typing again. “I never was possessed, either.” Its voice was a monotone. “Not when I left to explore the cave on my own, and not when I left Grace to head up here.”

Bree was silent for a moment. She seemed to be trying to collect her thoughts.

“You know, it scares people when you act the way you do”, she finally said. “Especially now. Nobody knows what to say to you. We’re all afraid we’ll set you off.”

“I’m scared too.” I started typing again as soon as I tapped Enter. “But since I’m weak and strange, it’s apparently okay for me to be scared. It’s normal. It’s only when you get scared that something is wrong.”

“Karadur, you left the group. Twice. Do you realize how dangerous that is?”

“I left markers to indicate the path I took, the first time. The second time I left footprints, and it was aboveground so you could contact me via radio. Arris taught me how to signal too, you know.”

Bree gave me a skeptical look. “You don’t realize it, do you? You didn’t think of what could happen. There’s no ski patrol or rescue service out here. That’s why we hired Arris, for goodness’ sake. If you go out alone you could get jammed in a crevice, or buried in an avalanche, or … or … ” She gestured at me with both hands. “Or get turned into a snow leopard!”

I took a deep breath, then let it out slowly before typing. “I’m sorry”, it told her.

“Well, I’m sorry too.” Her voice cracked, and I looked up to see tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry I brought you out here. I’m sorry you felt like you had to do this, and I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry for all of it!”

Bree started crying, and I squirmed and felt horrible as I watched, my face burning. I tried to type something on my A.T., but nothing seemed to come out right. And she just kept crying into her gloves, the tears freezing as soon as they came.

Tears came to my own eyes, and I felt a sharp pain in my stomach as I realized how much I’d hurt her. I felt awful sitting there, watching her sob, and I wished that I knew what to do … or what to say.

In desperation, I cleared my throat and said “Thank you.”

She looked up.

I began typing again, overwhelmingly self-conscious and sweating all over inside of my snowsuit. I almost felt disembodied as I finished typing “For helping me. For everything. It’s not your fault. Thank you, Bree.”

“Y-you’re welcome,” she said, coughing and sniffling.

I sat there for the longest minute of my life, burning up inside but acutely aware of how cold it was outside my snowsuit. Wishing I hadn’t said anything, glad that it’d helped her, feeling like I hadn’t the energy even to stand as my stomach twisted in knots. I didn’t tell her — I couldn’t — but that was the hardest thing I’d done this whole trip.

Bree watched me sitting there, leaning against the rock behind me for support. Breathing fast and trying to fight down the panic, as tears streamed down my face and froze onto my cheekfur. Finally she came over and sat next to me, and — slowly, looking for signs of discomfort — put her gloved hand over mine.

I let her, and put my other hand over hers as I fought to control my breathing. Bree and I stayed like that, motionless, for a long while.

We said no more the rest of that night, until we were climbing into our respective sleeping bags across the stove from each other. “We’ll find a way to cure you,” Bree said. “We’ll find a way to get you back to normal. I’ll find a way. I promise.”

She rolled onto her side after that, facing away from me, and settled in for a night’s rest. But instead of going to sleep I just looked up at the stars, laying there with my hands behind my head, and sighed.

* * *

Bree snored loudly, as I sat on a rock typing on my A.T.. I guessed she’d been the one who’d been keeping me up two nights ago.

I paused for a moment, to look up. There was a sliver of light on the horizon, where the sun lay just below it. Stars were out, all around me, and I could see down at the shore where the research station was. It looked so tiny from here, and the view from up high made me dizzy.

I made myself ignore how close to the edge this rock was and kept typing, hunched forward. I was writing an email for Bree.

She had to be able to read it, come morning. Because I would be up at the top by then.

I woke up twice before I actually got up. Each time I was cold, my mind a jumble of images and memories of the night before. I bundled myself up tighter, shivering and freezing where I was. I needed more sleep. My head hurt so bad.

The third time I felt something tickle my nose, and I reached up to scratch it, but got my face cold and wet.

I opened my eyes. There was snow all over my glove.

Read part two of Prized Possession.

I woke up twice before I actually got up. Each time I was cold, my mind a jumble of images and memories of the night before. I bundled myself up tighter, shivering and freezing where I was. I needed more sleep. My head hurt so bad.

The third time I felt something tickle my nose, and I reached up to scratch it, but got my face cold and wet.

I opened my eyes. There was snow all over my glove.

I sat up, groaning. It was light where I was. Snow had dusted the floor and the statues, plus me and my snowsuit and the coat that had acted as a pillow. The glass lines in the floor were still glowing, and had melted the snow around them. I had been sleeping on top of one, it looked like.

“But how … ” I looked up. Far above, at the end of the shaft, I could see only sky. Whatever had covered this cave wasn’t there anymore. If it had ever been there in the first place … if I hadn’t imagined it.

If I hadn’t imagined everything.

I started shivering. That cryoberry gel had kept me alive last night, but it’d long since worn off, and the heat from these glass lines wasn’t enough to keep me warm. My survival instinct kicked in, and I dusted the snow off and stood up, then lifted my coat off the ground and put it on. A moment of searching its pockets, and I found my mask; I put it on too, shivering at the touch of cold fabric. I knew it’d warm up, though, and I needed the insulation.

I hugged myself, shivering, hungry and tired. My head was aching, to boot. I pressed one gloved hand to it, trying to think. Last night seemed so far away. What had happened? It felt like a dream … maybe it had been one.

I looked up at the tunnel that led into the room. It was dark in there. Where was my flashlight? I scanned the floor, before tromping over to where it had fallen next to one of the side statues, fluffy snow crunching under my boots.

I picked it up. It was still set to “on”, but the beam was dead. I sighed, clicked it off, then shook it up and down ’till the count of fifty, hearing the dynamo charging inside. I clicked it back on, looking right into the beam, and saw a weak glow drowned out by the daylight. Then I clicked it off, looked up and jumped backwards, startled.

The tiger statue, which I had been sure was facing elsewhere last night, was looking down at me.

Slowly, my eyes panned the room. All of the statues were looking at me.

I broke out in a sweat, and backed away towards the entrance. Then I clicked the light back on and ducked into the tunnel, shivering and hurrying to get away.

* * *

I tried not to think as I made my way back to camp. My flashlight was dim and the shadows looked ominous, and I had to try to zone out and concentrate on my walking if I didn’t want to fear getting pounced from behind. Every so often I had to stop and recharge the flashlight, standing there in pitch blackness, and I closed my eyes and listened to my nervous breathing.

I did this again within earshot of the camp, an hour after I’d set out. Arris was giving orders in that loud, level voice of his, and it wasn’t until I stopped shaking the flashlight that I could make out the words:

” … down that tunnel, back towards the base of the mountain, and Bree and I will take the side branch. He can’t have gone more than a few kilometres, so keep an eye on your pedometers and stop at ten thousand. We’ll meet back here tonight … ”

It took me a moment to realize what they were talking about. Then I facepalmed. Argh, I was so stupid! I shouldn’t have made them all worried like this! I shouldn’t have assumed I’d be back before they got up!

Footsteps came in my direction, and I clicked my flashlight on just in time to see Arris’ trim moustache, behind his furry hood. He looked down at me, his face impassive, and I looked up at him, scared. Then he turned back around and called out “Never mind”.

And that was that.

I ate a quick breakfast, sitting down next to the portable stove and warming my foil pouch of food until only a thin layer on top was still frozen. I stirred it in with the rest of the stew and chomped it down quickly, while Bree sat down on her rolled-up sleeping bag next to me.

“We were really worried about you, you know.”

I glanced up at her narrow face, framed by goggles. The hood of her coat was down, but it was warm enough in here with a dozen or so people milling about that she could let her long hair out.

“I was worried about you too,” she went on, speaking slowly and clearly as though I wouldn’t be able to understand her otherwise.

I almost spoke to her, in response. I’ve only spoken aloud a few times in my life, and almost did for the first time since I met her here. The fear of what had happened was still so close, and I couldn’t get to my A.T. while I was eating, but I needed to get it off my chest. For a second, the words were right there.

But then they were drowned out by terror, as I relived those awful, surreal memories. It had felt like a dream at first, but then seeing those statues all looking at me was so real, and so terrifying. How could I make that come out in spoken words? How could I even type it into my A.T.?

It took me a long, awkward moment to muster the strength even to nod to her. It was embarrassing, since I knew that it was a delayed response, but I felt like I had to respond somehow. In some way she could understand. She seemed relieved, at any rate, and I did my best not to cringe reflexively as she put one hand on my shoulder. “Eat up”, she said, before standing and joining the others.

I did, crunching down the rest of my stewed squash, not even minding — for once — that she’d told me to do something I already was. Then I shut off the stove and cleaned everything up, and inside of ten minutes we were ready to go.

I was at the back of the line again. We were getting ready to march down the tunnel I’d just come back from, after exploring ahead last night. My eyelids were heavy and my legs were sore, and I felt uncomfortably full after eating so fast. I wasn’t paying attention to Arris’ instructions, but then he said

“Only a few more kilometres, and we’ll be out of here.”

and my face perked up. We were almost out of the tunnel! Then it was just a short hike down to Grace, and we could stay there for the night before heading back. I’d get to sleep in a real bed again! And take a shower, and everything! I actually giggled to myself, and a few people turned and looked at me, but I didn’t mind. I was too happy to care …

… or to notice what was happening to me.

I still hadn’t noticed by the time we passed by the hidden tunnel. Nobody else saw it, just like I hadn’t while coming this way. But I saw the place where I’d scratched at the ice with my knife, and froze with fear as everyone else moved on farther down the tunnel.

What made the fear awful was not just that I knew what was back there. It was also that I remembered that I’d left the jeweled disc. And so part of me was all OCD and saying “You need to go back there“, and reminding me how valuable it looked, but then another part of me remembered the statues, and reminded me how I didn’t want to remember the statues, and knew that I’d have to explain them somehow if I stopped to go in there again.

I stood there staring at the floor, sweating, for a long handful of seconds.

“Karadur!” Arris shouted my name, and I jumped. “Rest break’s not for twenty minutes! Let’s go!”

I hurried to catch up with them, glad for once that they didn’t expect me to say anything. For the next twenty minutes, I kept looking back over my shoulder into the dark.

* * *

It wasn’t until the rest break that I noticed it.

I’d been getting uncomfortable while walking. It felt like there was something inside my snowsuit. But I was wearing so much gear, and so many layers of clothes, that it was hard to tell. Plus my face was starting to itch. I reached up to scratch it, but on the way back down I realized something felt odd. The sides of my head were too smooth, like there was something missing.

We were spread out a bit down the corridor. I had been facing away from everyone else inside a nook I’d found in the wall, getting a drink and things. I set my concerns aside for a moment to do so, but the way that my mouth bit down on the bottle seemed strange, almost like it was numb. Then something itched up on top of my head, and I tried scratching it hard through the hood of my coat and it hurt.

It took me a while to figure out what was going on. I was wearing thick gloves and I had a mask on under my hood, and I was bundled up so tight all of my other senses were numbed, but whatever was on top of my head was getting really uncomfortable, and I was getting scared because I didn’t know what was going on. So I finally got out my A.T. in its hard case, then pulled my hood back and yanked off my mask before looking into the wide, blank screen that made up its front.

My face was somewhere between a human’s and a cat’s, with fuzzy gray-and-white fur. My old ears were gone, and tall, pointed ears were slowly uncurling on top of my head.

So that was why it had felt weird.

The world seemed to shift out of focus for a second, as my irises became slits. They stared back at me from the A.T.’s screen, and my heart became frozen inside me as I remembered where I had seen them before. And how I had been pounced on, right afterwards.

Right before this had started.

“Ready to go?”

I jammed my mask back on, folding my ears back painfully and choking back a sharp yowl. Then I turned around halfway, trying to keep Bree from seeing my eyes as I glanced sidelong at her.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I nodded, too quickly. Then I froze in place, sweating with fear, as I felt something stretch from the base of my spine down my snowsuit. A tail to go with the fur, ears, and face, rustling and bulging behind my right leg. A tail.

“She’s going to notice”, I thought. “She’s going to notice this … this … what’s happening to me!?”

“Alright, then. We’re ready to go now.” Bree turned around without another word and left me standing there. I was surprised nobody heard my relieved sigh.

Other people were walking past me from farther down the corridor, slinging their backpacks over their shoulders and rejoining the main group. I waited for them all to pass, twisting my face inside my mask as I felt my muzzle and tail getting longer. My mask jutted out, and my tail hung down to my foot, almost exposed at the end of my snowsuit. I could feel the cold air tickling its tip.

I could also feel the panic attack coming on. My clothes were becoming drenched with sweat, and ice crystals were forming on the inside of my mask as I breathed fast through my muzzle. All I could feel was terror.

I leaned up against the wall, weak, remembering horror movies. Was I becoming a feral snow leopard? Was my mind going to be next to go? What if that thing that leaped into me had possessed me, and was taking me over somehow? “I’m going to turn into some kind of monster, and I’m going to die on the inside, and I’ll attack them and get shot and I-”

“Karadur!” It was Arris again.

I gasped and held my breath, feeling the pressure build up. My lungs felt like they were going to burst.

“Come on!”

They were moving on ahead without me. I let out my breath and made myself inhale more slowly, trying to control my breathing; trying to end the attack.

I wanted to curl up in a blanket, and drink hot tea and go on the Winternet and wait for this all to be over. I wanted to be home. I thought of how exhausting this trip had turned out to be, how I’d kept lagging behind and losing sleep every night. And I almost cried, because if I’d just stayed with the rest of the group then none of this would have happened.

I didn’t dare call for help. I didn’t want them to find out yet, and I knew that I couldn’t stay there, so I made myself hurry to join them, pulling and squishing and jostling my tail and walking with some kind of limp.

Over the next few hours of walking, it went numb, and the fear in my heart turned to lead. I couldn’t feel any more changes coming, so I let myself settle into the rhythm … tired and depressed, and dreading being found out.

* * *

We stopped for lunch in the mouth of the cave, where it opened up onto the gentle slope of the snowy mountainside. We were low enough in altitude that there were trees, but they were all in the distance. I couldn’t see Grace from here.

I sat way in the back and ate my food cold, facing away from everyone else and lifting my mask just enough to reach my new muzzle. But the cheap, meatless entrées I’d brought with me tasted bland. The stew was an icy lump in my mouth, and the crumb dessert just tasted like sawdust.

As I realized that I couldn’t eat my food, my will to do anything slowly vanished. I set the packets down and slumped back against the rock wall, my stomach twisting with hunger. Depressing thoughts ran through my mind …

“Why can’t I make myself eat anything? It’s like trying to eat cardboard …”

“I must be a carnivore now. I must not be able to eat plants.”

“I liked that kind of dessert … I was looking forward to it …”

“But some cats eat plants. Maybe these just aren’t good for me?”

“Does this mean no more desserts? No more cookies, or cakes, or anything?”

“I’d better be able to eat some kinds of plants, meat can be very expensive … ”

“I … I can’t … there’s got to be a way to reverse this! I have to be able to undo it somehow!”

In retrospect, it seems petty that not being able to eat my dessert is what finally got me to break down and cry, but I guess it was the last straw. It made everything seem so final.

I sat there, my mask peeled upwards, and sobbed silently into the arm of my coat, not moving or looking up. I don’t know how long it lasted. Streams of tears froze onto my cheekfur.

“Karadur?”

I hastily pulled my mask back down, and tugged my hood forward as far as it’d go. Bree was standing over me, nearby. “Is something wrong?” she asked.

I was still unprepared to talk about it, using my A.T. or anything else, but my muzzle twitched, and I sniffed at the air … she had fish with her. I looked up, at the opened packet in her hands.

“Do you want something?” she asked.

There was a long and uncomfortable silence, as I wrestled against my shyness and my fear of being found out. My stomach won in the end, and I gestured up at the packet she had, without looking at her.

“Hold on,” she said. “I’ll get you some.”

Bree walked off, and I slumped back and breathed a sigh of relief. She was really going out of her way to accommodate me on this trek. I’d have to remember to thank her later.

Assuming I survived explaining what had happened.

* * *

The next few hours would’ve been terrifying if I hadn’t been half-asleep.

I’d spent most of the last twenty-four hours on my feet, and I had eaten just a little too much of Bree’s fish. All I wanted to do was curl up and take a nap, but the others started to get up and hike out of the cave, so I made myself get up and follow them … then promptly zoned out and started walking on autopilot, my feet and legs a numb mass of pain along with my new tail.

The snowfield that curved down toward the ocean was blindingly white. I squinted at first, then after a while I just closed my eyes completely, opening them partway every now and then to make sure that I was still going straight. It wasn’t hard … I just had to follow the tromping, crunching footsteps, and the sounds of snowsuits and gear moving.

For a little while shadows passed over me, as we marched beside trees. But then, an hour or so in, I bumped into the person in front of me while my eyes were closed. We had stopped.

I looked up to see ice floes, stretching out into the water. And on the other side of the ice bridge, an enormous island and snow-covered mountain, spanning half the horizon. I could barely tell where the coastline was, the ice was so thick.

Arris was working his way down the line, talking and doing something. “Your shoes will keep you from slipping if you go slowly and steadily,” he said. “Keep your legs apart, and watch where you step. I’ll be using my phone’s sensors to find the safest path-” He handed me the end of a loop of rope, and I stared dumbly at it for a second. “-but the ice could give way beneath us, so be careful.”

The person in front of me was tightening a knot that he’d tied around one of his belt clips. I watched for a second, before knotting the rope around one of mine, hoping I remembered how.

“If you fall in the water, you’ll freeze to death.” Arris sounded dead serious. “Everyone ready?”

I nodded, even though no one was looking at me, and after a second we set out again.

The ice sounded hollow under our feet, crunching as our spikes dug into it. I could hear it crack in the distance; a heavy, massive sound, that made me feel very small. The water was ten feet away on the nearest side, but I eyed it nervously as it lapped up against the ice. It seemed ominous, like black lava.

That’s how I was for the first ten minutes or so. After that I caught myself nodding off again, and tried to keep myself awake, but the danger became a dull uneasiness, and my legs were so tired, and my eyelids were so heavy. I almost ran into the person in front of me again, as I closed my eyes and just let the rope guide me forward.

I was still the same way when it happened. Strange thing is, I remember it all, but saw everything through a sleep haze instead.

We’d stopped somewhere, for several long minutes, and the sensor on Arris’ phone was pinging and crackling. He must have been scanning the ice floes ahead. Meanwhile I was well on my way to falling asleep again, this time standing up.

He said something; I don’t remember what. Then there was a crack, nearby, low and deep, and right beneath us. It seemed soothing, somehow.

People were talking worriedly, but no one was doing anything. Then the world started to move, and I heard a scream from up ahead. The person in front of me jumped, and I felt myself being yanked forward by the rope for a split-second …

… then I woke up, just as I was pitching forward over black water.

I flailed my arms, dug in my heels, and finally fell backwards onto my tail, edging away on hands and feet. “Karadur!” Bree shouted. “Are you okay?”

I nodded reflexively, my heart in my throat, beating and pounding inside me. Meanwhile, the long ice floe that I was on was slowly drifting away from them. We were almost two metres apart already.

“We’re going to get you out of there!” Bree shouted. “Just hold on!”

“There should be a boat we can use up at Grace”, Arris offered. “He’s got food and water, and his A.T. has geolocation so we can find him … ”

“But that could take all night!” Bree protested. “We’ve got to do something!”

Their argument was starting to fade past the thumping of my heart, and my breathing deep through my muzzle. Everything was a blur except that. And the pain in my legs, and the horrible realization that made me want to double over and clutch my sides. I’d been an idiot and hadn’t made sure that I’d knotted the rope properly. Now there was no warm bed for me, no hot shower or dinner. I was going to be stuck on this floe all day, and all night, and it could storm or something, and I’d … I’d …

I realized what I had to do.

My coat and the mask on my face were becoming hot with sweat. I stood up, turned around and walked a few paces away, before pulling my hood back and tearing the mask off my face.

“Karadur, what are you-” Bree gasped, as I turned back around towards them, my face impassive. I didn’t want them to see what I was doing, as I tore a hole in my snowsuit with my claws and reached inside it to pull my tail out. It was limp and it hurt, all pins and needles, but I gave it a moment to work itself back to normal. The cold wind fluffed it out and seeped inside my snowsuit, and it woke me up and helped clear my head.

Everyone stared at me.

I was over three metres away from them now, and still drifting farther. I didn’t have time to consider what I was about to do.

I took a few more steps back, to the very edge of the floe, before turning back around and spreading my arms wide, hunching over and straightening my tail out. Then I ran, putting pressure downwards with my spikes, balancing with my tail … and jumped, catlike, onto the other side.

I rolled to a stop right in front of them, then looked up, brushing the hair from my face.

The person standing in front of me swore.

Updates to the latest story, Prized Possession, will be posted here every Saturday evening until the story is complete. I mention this now because people keep asking me when the next one will be up, and it seemed like a reasonable question. >.>b

Also, if you use an Android phone, check out the free app called Fursuit Diary! It’s tied in to db.fursuit.org and lets you browse that archive of fursuits from your phone, plus record fursuiting routes that you’ve taken. I’ve had fun playing with it, and the author mentioned our site under “Partners” after I gave him a bug report, so it’s only fair that we mention it here. ~.^

Cold.

I was on my knees in the tunnel, going through my pack. My breath froze and crystallized in front of me, dusting its contents with ice shards. The heat lamp I’d set on the rock next to it was throwing shadows across my hands, as I tore through packets of rations looking for the sealed gel pouch.

My toes felt like ice, and my bare fingers were stiff and shook as I shivered. I alternated between holding them next to the heat lamp, and rummaging through my pack as fast as I could. Sweat dripped off of them and froze.

“C’mon, where is it … ” Protein bars. Space blankets. Chemical heating pads. Cryo- there it was!

If you can’t talk, how can you say when something is hurting you? If you don’t like to be touched, how can anyone comfort you? And if you don’t have a soul, how can you keep from being possessed?

Click here to read part one of Prized Possession. A commission for Karadur, set in the world of Snowglobe.

Cold.

I was on my knees in the tunnel, going through my pack. My breath froze and crystallized in front of me, dusting its contents with ice shards. The heat lamp I’d set on the rock next to it was throwing shadows across my hands, as I tore through packets of rations looking for the sealed gel pouch.

My toes felt like ice, and my bare fingers were stiff and shook as I shivered. I alternated between holding them next to the heat lamp, and rummaging through my pack as fast as I could. Sweat dripped off of them and froze.

C’mon, where is it … Protein bars. Space blankets. Chemical heating pads. Cryo- there it was!

My fingers slipped, and it fell to the bottom. Argh! I cursed myself inwardly, as one hand dug through and held everything up, while my other hand reached down and grabbed it. Then I moved back up to the heat lamp really fast, shivering and trying to get the pouch open.

It had a brand name, but I didn’t care. It was cryoberry concentrate, and I needed it to kick my metabolism into overdrive before I froze down here. Shivering violently, I managed to tear open the pouch, then lifted my cloth mask just enough to squeeze the gel into my mouth.

I gagged. It was painfully sweet, and so tart that it burned. How many hundred times stronger than sweet cane was it? How much acid fermented in each berry? I’d tried to drink a cup of the juice once, and even after watering it down I couldn’t finish it. This was like an entire pitcher of the stuff in one mouthful.

I nearly spat it out, on reflex, but managed to force my mouth closed and tilted my head back, feeling the gel tear down my throat like bad heartburn as I swallowed. My tongue felt like I’d just drank scalding water, and I moistened my mouth, swallowing fast to clean it out. Then I cringed, gritting my teeth, fighting back the urge to vomit.

A voice in the back of my head told me If you hadn’t run off on your own, this wouldn’t have happened! I tried to remind myself what it was like back at camp; the loud, echoey snoring, the heat and sweat and itchy bedding, and the feeling of being suffocated. It’d been the second night in a row like that, and I’d already stayed up for most of it. I’d had to.

Was freezing and dying down here better than that? Probably not. I hadn’t meant to go this far, though. And I would’ve told someone if I’d known they would listen … if I’d known they cared at all. Or wouldn’t have just told me to tough it out, like they’d been doing.

I’d left markers, at any rate; chalk marks on the wall that had followed me all the way out here. Now I just had to follow them back …

… assuming I lived through this.

Cold was my next thought, followed by pain. I winced again, my throat tightening, fighting back tears behind my goggles. Then I pulled the mask back down over my face and put my gloves back on, still shivering. My feet were so cold they’d numbed, and my hands were still so cold they hurt, but the searing pain in my throat was starting to turn into warmth, and I could feel it beginning to spread.

Better get these out for when I need them, I thought. I pulled two handfuls of protein bars from my pack, and stashed them all in my pockets before zipping the pack up again and shouldering it. I was still cold, and still weary from hiking so far. But after all that I was wide awake.

I picked up the heat lamp and started walking back down the tunnel, stone and ice glistening in the lamp’s glow. Powdered ice crunched under my feet. I clicked the lamp shut, into flashlight mode, then looked behind me, away from its beam. It was surreally pitch-black just a few feet away.

When I turned around again, the first thing I saw was a bright orange chalk mark shining in the light, with others past it leading back along the tunnel. I was on the right track; the pedometer on my belt said that I still had a way to go, but I didn’t care … I could do this. I’d make myself do this. I had to.

The cold began to subside. I could feel my feet again, pins and needles inside like warm water had just been poured over them. It hurt, but I had to keep walking. The pain in my throat was harder to ignore, though, and so was the tightness in my stomach. It was no longer just from the acid; it was also the hunger pangs starting. I was going to need to eat soon, to fuel the furnace my body had turned into.

I was unwrapping the first protein bar when something stopped me in my tracks. The shadows didn’t look right, along the side of the wall. I went closer to investigate, and found a narrow tunnel leading back towards the main passage, which opened up and curved off in another direction some distance in. It looked icy and slippery, but I thought I could manage it even with my pack. Should I, though?

I walked over and shone my flashlight down it, trying to see where it went. It looked like it opened up after only ten metres or so, and-

What was that?

I looked at the ground, my protein bar all but forgotten. Something was there, partway lodged in the ice. Something that shone bright blue in the light.

I got down on my knees to inspect it more closely. It looked like a stone disc, its outer surface carved into segments. There was a rune engraved into each segment, and taking up most of one side was a bright blue jewel.

If you’re reading this where I think you are, then you know what something so out-of-place means. You know what’s about to happen. And if I’d been reading this there too, then I would’ve known in a heartbeat. But I’m not sure what I would have done.

But I didn’t know, so here’s what I was thinking:

Oh wow. Oh wow. How big is that jewel? Oh wow, I don’t believe it. How many grams worth is this? Who cares. I’m rich now! I’m so rich!

I started grinning like an idiot, the protein bar even further from my mind as my stomach twisted and growled. Should I tell them? I thought. It’d make the perfect comeuppance! My eyes widened. But what if they take it from me? What if they just take it and don’t even ask, just like they used to do … just like some of them used to, I corrected myself. No. This has to stay secret.

I nearly doubled over, as the hunger pangs overtook me. Then I knelt down right next to the protein bar, peeled the wrapper from it, and swallowed the entire thing at once, barely tasting it.

Another one followed, more slowly this time. It was chewy, and tasted of nut butters and vegetable oils. I stashed the wrappers in my other pocket, still chewing and savoring the second bar. Then I looked down at the disc, and wondered how on Tsoneria I was going to get it out of the ice.

I should have asked “how long”. It took me about half an hour.

I didn’t have a crowbar, or an ice pick. I had a few matches, but not enough to make any headway. The ice froze back, slick, and I had to be careful not to slip and stab myself as I hacked at it with my knife. Twice, I had to stop and grab another protein bar. I could feel myself growing uncomfortably warm.

Finally I grabbed hold of the disc and pulled, and the remaining ice broke away. Then I tried to stand up with it, only to be stopped short and nearly fell over. What the heck?

I looked closely. The disc had thin leather strips attaching it to the ice, tied around a loop at what must be the top. It wasn’t just a disc, it was an amulet; some kind of ornament. And the leather was buried deep in the ice.

I didn’t have time for that. So I cut the straps off, then held the disc up to the light, grinning excitedly. It was gorgeous, and I’m not just saying that because it looked valuable. The gem was as big around as my thumb, and the light played off it like a museum piece … I could imagine it displayed on a pillow, behind glass. Meanwhile, the stone around it was smooth, with no sharp edges except where the runes were carved. It looked finely made, and not manufactured.

I turned the stone disc around. On the back were intricate slots and grooves. I furrowed my brow, examining it. This side looked less like a piece of jewelry, and more like a piece of machinery. What was it for?

No clue, I thought. Oh well. I pocketed it, and started to go back when I stopped in my tracks. That side tunnel was beckoning me, and I don’t mean in a magical, mysterious sense. I mean something more like an OCD way. It was going to drive me nuts if I didn’t go down it.

You’d think I would’ve right away, just to see if it had anything to do with the gem and the disc. Or if there was any more where they’d come from. You have to remember, I had just spent the last couple of hours walking through the cold, then digging on my hands and knees ‘till my neck was sore. Plus I was hot and sweaty and uncomfortable inside my coat, now that the extract had taken effect. I really just wanted to go to bed, and tried to tell myself I could take everyone there tomorrow or something. But my OCD won out, and I sighed and walked down the tunnel.

Did I say “walked”? More like “squeezed” down the tunnel. It was iced over, and I could see stone past the ice but that didn’t help me gain traction. About halfway through I started to have trouble going any farther, and I panicked because I was alone and I didn’t want to get stuck here. But it turned out I’d just gotten my coat caught on something, and I got the rest of the way through, and looked out and gasped.

I was standing in a worked stone shaft going a hundred or more metres up, all the way to the mountain’s surface. The air in here was warmer than outside — the ice seemed to stop at the entrance — and the distant top shone like a gem in my flashlight, whole facets lighting up at once. I realized I was inside a hideaway; from above, that whole ceiling would look just like snow. I might be the first human inside this place, ever.

This is SO. COOL, I thought. Then I realized I was standing in darkness, and slowly shone the flashlight around.

Four-legged shapes prowled the darkness.

I jumped, banging my head on the wall and dropping the flashlight, going down on my knees to pick it up quickly. I fumbled with it for a moment before looking up again. My heart raced as I saw the shapes once more, and the shadows they threw on the walls. But then I realized they were statues … not living creatures, just statues.

I put one hand over my heart, trying to control my breathing. I was about to burn up, both from the heat, and the adrenaline racing through my body caused by the moment of fear. I yanked off my coat and mask, gasping in a few breaths through my mouth before removing my boots and my snowsuit. After that I looked around again, hearing my breathing echo like I was inside a cathedral.

The statues lined the wall of the wide, circular room, all of them big cats, all of them in different poses; walking, resting, cleaning themselves. I recognized a tiger, a leopard, and a lynx along one side before my eyes scanned over the rest of the room.

Beneath the stone rim that the statues were on was a large circle of dark earth, with glass lines embedded in it, radiating out from the centre. They looked interesting, almost runic, and the light played off of them … and something else in the room. Gems, set in the eyes of the statue at the far end. It looked like the leopard, but different … the carved spots were larger, the tail was thicker, and the shape of its face reminded me of a picture I’d seen once.  A snow leopard, maybe?

It was looking down at me.

The blue jewels in its eyes seemed to wink, as I shone the flashlight across them. I stepped towards it in my wool socks, beginning to tremble as I got closer. The light from my flashlight glinted off of the lines in the ground as I did so.

I started to feel very small, as my eyes darted between the carved floor and the cat statue watching me. I didn’t feel like a brave explorer, decked out in the best modern gear. I felt like an interloper. I could feel the echoes of the big cats who’d once lived on the mountain above judging me as though seeing a human creature for the first time. And I felt scared and contrite, and really sorry for disturbing them.

But I didn’t feel unwelcome. I didn’t feel like I’d done anything to anger them, and I planned to keep it that way. I stopped about halfway across the room, shining my flashlight discreetly up at the statues, casting big shadows across the wall. Then I took a step towards the statue at the far end again, but my foot caught on something and I tripped and fell.

I screamed! I just about had a heart attack, scrambling backwards on hands and knees and shining my flashlight all around, looking for the thing that’d just grabbed me. But nothing was moving; the statues were all still where they’d been. There was just an unusual spot on the ground where I’d tripped. A place where my light shone differently.

I crawled closer and examined it. It was a circular hole in the floor, right where the glass lines were radiating out from, a few centimetres deep and with grooves carved inside it. And it was about the same size as the disc.

No one ever thinks they’re in one of these stories. Few people realize the significance of the things that they see all around them, but even I wasn’t dense enough to miss the connection. And the second I realized it, my OCD told me to “Put the disc in the hole.”

My heart raced again. I tried to argue with myself. “What if that triggers the self-destruct? Or brings the roof down, or something?” But then I imagined a robber, his face hooded and eyes dark, grabbing things up all around the room, and running out into the tunnels. And in my mind’s eye, I saw the disc fall right where I’d found it.

It wasn’t a vision. It was just starting to seem like the most plausible explanation. And besides, the disc was obviously meant to be there. How could anyone fault me for putting it back? They’d have to be Fey, or something, to do that.

My last retort was that I wanted to keep the disc, so I could sell it. Living on disability didn’t leave me enough silver for anything, after I’d bought food, clothes and clean water. I had to rely on my friends for everything, even to pay for this trip. I wanted some independence … I wanted to at least be able to repay them. I looked up at the statues meekly, clutching the disc in both hands, as though trying to see if they judged me for this.

“You can take it back out once you’ve tested it”, my brain said. “Just try it once so you can see what happens.”

The statues were silent.

I cringed, squeezing the disc tight in my hands. For a long moment, I hesitated, then slowly knelt down to the ground, placed the disc in the hole, and ran like heck, nearly falling over in the process.

Nothing happened.

I turned back around once I bumped into one of the statues, breathing fast and looking back down at the disc. What hadn’t I done correctly? After a second it clicked, and my brain said “You’ve got to turn it in place. That’s what the grooves are for.” And I facepalmed, smacking my icy glove to my forehead, before shaking the ice from my hair. The statues said nothing as I walked back towards the disc.

Kneeling down next to it, I gave it a quarter-turn before something clicked. A glow shot out through the lines all around me, so fast that my breath caught, and so bright that my flashlight was drowned out. A bass hum vibrated the floor.

I knelt there, frozen in place, too scared to do anything else.

Sweat coated my sides and I watched as though dreaming, as more glowing lines crept up from the floor towards the center statue, illuminating its spots and markings.  Then there was a rumbling, growing steadily louder as the stone crumbled and fell away, revealing a real, living snow leopard underneath. I watched with wide eyes as it stretched out on the pedestal, extending its claws and swinging its tail as the rumbling faded, leaving only the bass hum beneath me, and the pounding of my heart.

The snow leopard peered down for a moment, its head cocked to one side as if curious, and I looked on in terror, the voice in my head whispering that I was going to die. Then it sprang.

I was out as soon as my head hit the floor.

“This can’t be real.”

Blades of grass under my pawpads, which I was sure I didn’t have before. Tree branches scraping through my fur. The painful burning of overexertion in my chest.

“It’s just a dream.”

The bitter cold night air. The heavy panting of the beast behind me, a brief glimpse over my shoulder revealing little more than it was much bigger than me and probably much stronger. All of my instincts screaming at me to run for my life.

“It’s just a–”

Click here to read Inherit the Wind, a story arc by Yurodivy set in the new Therian universe, where becoming your fursona makes you a target for otherworldly monstrosities. Worldbuilding materials are already in the works for this modern horror setting, inspired by World of Darkness.

Also check out Dragon and Mask, by AliasPseudonym. It has only incidental TF in it, but the author’s a talented TF writer, so expect to see more from him!

“This can’t be real.”

Blades of grass under my pawpads, which I was sure I didn’t have before. Tree branches scraping through my fur. The painful burning of overexertion in my chest.

“It’s just a dream.”

The bitter cold night air. The heavy panting of the beast behind me, a brief glimpse over my shoulder revealing little more than it was much bigger than me and probably much stronger. All of my instincts screaming at me to run for my life.

“It’s just a–”

The creature’s very real jaws snapping at my heels, causing very real scrapes. A fresh burst of adrenaline coursed through me, and I was able to surge forward again, just out of reach of the thing.

“…A very realistic dream.”

I squinted into the distance. There was something weird with my eyesight, all I could see was black and white. It did have its advantages– I was able to see in contrasts well. No wonder I could see in the dark this well. The disadvantage was I could very clearly see I was about to run off a cliff.

“Oh God. Ohgodohgodohgod…”

It extended as far as I could see. Looking back, I was probably on a mesa or something, but my geographical location was the least of my concerns then.

“It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream, it’s just a dream.”

My own thoughts set a cadence for my run. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore how incredibly vivid everything was, and hoped it would all be over soon. And finally my paws hit thin air.

I didn’t fall. I was soaring above the ground, clumsily flapping the wings I didn’t know I had before. I laughed in spite of myself, a strangely human sound given I didn’t feel human at all. Despite the muscle strain and stress, I was half-crazed with relief and beyond feeling pain.

Or at least I was until I heard the beating of wings not my own. I didn’t even have time to look behind me before a great, clawed, heavy something slamming into me, sending me spiraling to the ground as its jaws bit into my neck, making it impossible to breathe. With oxygen deprivation creeping in and strangling rational thought, I had about enough time to note that the ground was rushing up much too fast for asphyxiation to be a concern.

I was wrong. Just when I was inches from the ground, I flinched. And when I opened my eyes again, I was on the kitchen floor, tangled in my bedsheets, and not breathing.

I’d almost drowned once– hit my head on the edge of a pool when I was diving in. That was almost peaceful, because I didn’t even realize I was dying until they dragged me out of the water, with everyone but me screaming and panicking. I was numb and far away and (in retrospect) way too comfortable with it all.

And this was nothing like that. It felt like there was something crushing my chest, even though there was nothing there, my muscles ached like I’d ran for miles, something was grabbing my throat, and my lungs were burning in agony.

Somewhere inbetween me frantically thrashing around, a tiny bit of air forced its way through my windpipe, and the pain subsided just a bit. Then a little more, and a little more, and finally I was breathing normally again.

Even after all that, I still couldn’t move. I knew I probably looked ridiculous, but my parents knew about my “sleepwalking.” They didn’t know I was having nightmares all the time– nobody did. I just couldn’t tell anyone. Scary dreams were things that little kids got worked up over, not someone in high school.

It’d never been this bad, though. Then again, I’d never died either. Weren’t you supposed to die in real life if you died in your dreams? I’d come so close, so maybe that was why…

The clock caught my attention. Four in the morning. My mom was going to be up soon, and the last thing I wanted was for him to see me like this. I picked myself off the ground, bundled the blankets around me, and trudged back to my room so I could pretend to sleep for another four hours until I had to get ready for school.

The nice thing about having attention span issues is you can entertain yourself for hours with your own thoughts. The downside is it’s very easy to have those thoughts interrupted by things like a dog jumping on your bed and otherwise trying to get your attention.

“Go away, Soraya.” I shoved my head under the covers and tried my best to ignore her. So she tried to hide under the covers with me.

It’d never occurred to me before, but her name now struck me as strange. Soraya was an Arabic name, and she was an American Water Spaniel– not true to her heritage. And it always seemed like such a noble name. Noble was something American Water Spaniels aren’t. They’re silly-looking dogs whose main purpose in being was to bring back dead animals to hunters who would be otherwise too lazy or preoccupied to pick up what they shoot in the first place.

She’d always been something of a neurotic dog, which was why she was hiding in the first place. Half the time I didn’t even bother trying to find out what spooked her, but I was always the one who had to calm her down.

I felt her nudging in closer to me, so I reached out to pat her head in kind. “You’ve got it so easy.” It was true– I guess on some level I envied dogs, I had for a while. It was on some emotional or spiritual level I couldn’t quite describe. Dogs made sense in a way people didn’t, and they seemed so carefree.

I didn’t want to be a dog though, much as I liked them. There was something else out there that was better, I realized in a half-asleep epiphany. Something more me. Something like…

There was a loud creak as the bedroom door opened, and whatever answer I had slipped away. Mom was up. And I needed to pretend to be asleep. I closed my eyes and I drifted into periods of brief, fitful minutes of sleep interrupted by jerking awake, and then starting the cycle anew.

* * *

I shouldn’t have to tell you how incredibly miserable I was when I had to wake up. But energy drinks were made for people like me, and after a highly nutritious breakfast of Saltines (I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep any other solids down) and a combination of liquid sugar, fruit juice, and lots and lots of caffeine, I had about enough to make myself go to school without fainting along the way.

To my credit, I’d only ever fainted once, and that was attributed to a terrible diet. I can’t remember the last time I’d stepped into the cafeteria. I usually just skipped lunch. It was too noisy there, too loud, and too much high school politics. I didn’t want to bother with all the cliques. So I just hid out in the library. The librarians liked the company, I liked the books and relative solitude. It was mutually beneficial, so they never told the SROs.

The forty-five minutes I got to spend in there were almost always the best part of the school day. But it was over three hours away. And I had Advanced Algebra first period. I already hated today.

Of course, therein lies the advantage of being hungry and tired most of the time. It’s really easy to zone out when you’re like that.I could just glide through all my classes, not needing to comprehend anything because you’d have to be lobotomized to not at least marginally pass core classes, and I’d be fine with just marginal. If you haven’t inferred as much, I just want out of school.

So I shuffled into class, collapsed in the desk, and hoped the teacher wouldn’t notice me dozing off. They usually don’t. As long as you show up and don’t fail the tests, they’re not to concerned. I like things that way.

I had my head nestled in the comfiest part of my hoodie when I saw someone walk in out of the corner of my eye. A very tall someone with nondescript black clothing who I’d never seen before at school. He was wearing sunglasses, but I could tell he was staring right at me. Usually I don’t care if someone is, but there was something just wrong about that guy. I don’t know how to put it, he just weirded me out– there was something predatory about him. And he didn’t look strong, he was built like a scarecrow, but I got the impression he could rip me apart without trying. So much for my nap.

The teacher ran through the roll. There weren’t any new names on there, and he didn’t even address the creepy guy. Nobody else even seemed to notice him; the kid behind him seemed to just stare right through him.

I looked up the clock. Only five minutes into class. On the bright side, I was starting to feel a bit sick. Maybe I could call home and say I was coming down with something. It wouldn’t even be a lie for once, because the clock was now sliding in and out of focus. And my chest was tightening and my heart felt like it was going to explode I was starting to feel like I would be sick in the middle of class.

I staggered out the door without bothering to give an explanation. I think the teacher was yelling at me to get a hall pass, but I was beyond the point of paying attention. The world wasn’t just blurring now, it was sliding completely out of focus. The colors were all starting to blend together. The only reason I wasn’t running into anything was I’d been through these halls too many times to count.

I rubbed my eyes– it didn’t help. And I wasn’t tearing up or anything like that, so there wasn’t anything in my eyes. I still managed to stumble into the bathroom and turn on the faucet. I splashed water onto my face– it was ice cold and I didn’t really care. If anything, it made me feel a little better.

I took deep breaths in and out. The panic and sickness started to subside. I checked the mirror– I looked pale and gaunt and sickly and…

…And I was seeing things, because my ears had gone all pointy and furry. I stumbled back, blinked…and they were still there. I slumped against a wall, not daring to look at the mirror as if pretending they weren’t there would make them go away. Morbid curiosity drove me to touch the side of my head.

But nothing was there. Nothing weird, anyway. So of course when I looked in the mirror just to make sure, there was something weird behind me. Or someone, rather. He was only there for a second, his eyes seeming to bore right through me beneath his sunglasses. And then he was gone.

It took a few moments to sink in. And then I ran. I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t what was happening, but it was just the only thing it seemed like I could do.

* * *

Next thing I knew I was hiding between some lockers on ground floor practically hyperventilating. “Deep breaths. Deep breaths.” I told myself. “It was just a panic attack, it’s over now. Calm down. Nothing’s wrong with you. Nothing’s wrong nothing’s wrong nothing’s wrong…” I eventually was able to make myself believe it, enough I could shakily stand up.

The intercom crackled to life. “Connor Glendon, please report to the administrative building, Connor Glendon, to the administrative building, please.”

Awesome. My truant ways were catching up to me.

“Doctor Reese is expecting you.” Or not. I guess the little incident earlier could have just been passed off as one big panic attack (and maybe that was what it was in the first place? Though I’d never felt like I was sick during one) and he was just worried about me. That didn’t seem so bad.

I flashed my ID at the SRO standing in front of the administrative building. It was probably unnecessary, I had to go here a lot, but policies are policies. I was halfway down the hall when the SRO yelled “Stop!”

I spun around– but it wasn’t me he was addressing, thankfully. It was two girls I didn’t recognize. One blonde with baggy shirt bearing the name of a band I didn’t recognize and a redhead with a scowl that seemed permanently set on her face.

The blonde girl smiled at the SRO. “I’m sorry. We’re new here, we just haven’t had a chance to get our IDs.” Her eyes flashed for a moment, and they turned bright yellow all over, with tiny, slitted snake-like pupils in the center. “Trust us.”

I felt a chill run down my spine. Actually, that was an understatement. I’m not sure how to describe how seeing that felt otherwise, but I’ll try. It’s like looking at something that can’t exist, but does. Yeah, I know some people will wear weird contacts that look kind of like that just to shock people, but this was different, more natural-looking.

And just a few minutes ago, I’d grown dog ears. Either I was going crazy or…well, I was probably just going crazy. But I was running a fever, maybe that just meant the heat was frying my brain. Which meant I was probably going to die soon. That didn’t seem much better.

The SRO’s eyes glazed over. “Well, alright.” And just like that, he let them by. Now that just wasn’t right. I mean, everything about it, right down to this weird gut feeling that she was scary and dangerous. And the officers here were supposed to be really strict, thanks to the fact we’d gotten school shooting threats and things like that. They strolled on right by me. The blonde one smiled and waved at me before they both disappeared down a corridor.

God, what a day. And I had to think of a way to diplomatically express the fact I might be having hallucinations to Doctor Reese really fast. I slumped into a chair outside his office. I just needed a few minutes–

“Connor!” He was standing right in front of me. I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Sorry.” He did one of those fake-y laughs. “Didn’t mean to scare you. But we’ve been calling you for the past ten minutes, I was getting worried.”

“Sorry…” Was all I could come up with.

“Well, come on in.” He gestured inside. “I’ve got some things I’d like to talk to you about.”

I had a sinking feeling about that. But I went inside anyway, it was better than being in class. Reese was shuffling some papers at his desk, one of those ‘I-know-something-about-you-and-I’m-not-going-to-rest-until-you-tell-me’ smiles about him. “You missed some of you classes today.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yeah.” I stared out the window. Eye contact just felt uncomfortable.

“Have you been feeling well lately?” More paper rustling.

“Well…” Diplomacy or honesty? “I’ve been having nightmares again, so I didn’t sleep much. And I think I had another panic attack in class today.” Mom always said honesty was the best policy, and it’d be a nice change of pace.

A glint of concern flashed through his dark eyes. “You haven’t been having panic attacks often, have you?”

“This was the first one in a while.” Several months, really, I’d had one the first time I tried to take the SAT.

“And the dreams?”

“A lot. Almost every other day.” I tried not to think about the jaws closing around my windpipe. And failed. I reached my hand to my throat. “They’re usually vivid. But sometimes I just wake up afraid of something and don’t know what.” He seemed to take notice of that, his eyes settling on my neck. I jerked my hand back down.

He still got the picture. He was really good at that. “Are there any recurring themes to these?”

“I guess. I’m usually running from something.” This was getting uncomfortably Freudian for me. I took Intro to Psych, I knew where dream analysis went.

“And do you escape, or…?”

“I don’t.” And I wanted to leave it at that.

He went ‘hmmm’ again and leaned back in his seat. “So your anxiety’s been worse than usual?”

Well, thank God, and here I was thinking he’d ask be about what my relationship with my mother was like. “I guess, yeah.”

“It’s entirely possible that’s just a reflection of that.” He steepled his hands. “You see, dreams often resemble our waking experiences and parallel then, though sometimes in abstract ways. If you’d like, you could tell me a bit more about them.”

I sighed. “I don’t know, it’s pretty generic. I’m running through a forest trying to get away from a monster, and I…I don’t get away. Then I wake up. But I’m pretty sure I sleepwalk during them. I don’t wake up in my bed.”

He arched an eyebrow. “Have you gotten this checked out by a doctor?”

“The medicine didn’t help any.” And it made me sleep so deeply my alarm clock didn’t wake me up.

His phone rang. “Sorry, one second…” He checked the screen and went ‘hmmm’ for what must have been the tenth time in the past five minutes. “I have a question for you that might seem strange, so I’d like to apologize in advance if I’m off-base here.”

“Shoot.”

“In addition to these dreams, have you been having any hallucinations?”

My stomach lurched. “How’d he know?”

And of course he noticed that too. “Perhaps that you’re becoming something else. Maybe you’ve even felt like that was true for a while, and it’s only just now these hallucinations have started happening.”

I was still too stunned to say much of anything.

He paused as if waiting for the inevitable confirmation. “It’s alright if you are. It isn’t your fault. But these are symptoms of a rare mental disorder–”

“So what? I’m schizophrenic?” I cut in.

“No, nothing like that.” He held up his hands. “This is much less permanent and much more manageable. It’s called therianthropic psychosis, I’ve worked with it before.”

“I’ve never heard of it.”

“It hasn’t passed DSM review yet. But it’s very real, I’m sure of that. I get the feeling you can attest to that.”

“If I have this, what am I supposed to do–” Someone started slamming at the door. Reese jerked up, looking stunned. Obviously this wasn’t part of his script. Whoever it was– sounded like a she– started yelling, though it was too muffled to make out. “Shouldn’t you, like, call security or something?” There was a shrill edge to my voice I really didn’t like.

He was already reaching for his phone again when the door broke open. Literally. It just splintered.

The red-haired girl standing in the doorway seemed innocuous enough, except for the shards of wood in her hands. I’d seen her a few minutes ago trying a more subtle approach to breaking and entering. “You!” She hissed. She lunged at Reese, yowling like some kind of animal…and she looked like one too, she’d grown ears and a tail. Like I had earlier, except feline instead.

To be continued…